1 00:00:02,833 --> 00:00:04,066 Damn. 2 00:00:04,134 --> 00:00:08,070 Look at Mrs. Larabee, back on the market, living the single life in L.A. 3 00:00:08,172 --> 00:00:09,171 Give me my phone. 4 00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:11,039 Gi... Give... Give me ...Give me the phone. 5 00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:12,708 Carol is not back on the market. 6 00:00:12,776 --> 00:00:15,010 She took a new job and Chuck couldn't go with her. 7 00:00:15,112 --> 00:00:16,612 Look, she's sitting behind a desk. 8 00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,380 How does that say she's living the single life? 9 00:00:18,482 --> 00:00:20,249 Top button unbuttoned. 10 00:00:21,752 --> 00:00:23,886 Open for business. 11 00:00:25,189 --> 00:00:26,221 Hmm. 12 00:00:26,290 --> 00:00:27,689 The Larabees living in different states. 13 00:00:27,758 --> 00:00:30,926 This could either bring them together or rip them apart. 14 00:00:31,028 --> 00:00:33,862 Finally, this neighborhood is getting interesting. 15 00:00:33,964 --> 00:00:35,731 Well, I'm glad you're happy. 16 00:00:35,799 --> 00:00:37,232 I lost a good friend. 17 00:00:37,301 --> 00:00:39,935 Oh, so go get a new one. Oh, go on Facebook. 18 00:00:40,004 --> 00:00:43,171 Your crowd has ruined it for everybody else anyway. 19 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,908 You know, it's not that easy for me to meet new people. 20 00:00:45,976 --> 00:00:49,478 I always made friends at mom's groups or... or at my work. 21 00:00:49,547 --> 00:00:52,080 Well, what about the Susan woman you met at the block party? 22 00:00:52,182 --> 00:00:55,317 I believe I saw some sparks between you two crazy kids. 23 00:00:55,419 --> 00:00:56,285 Yeah. 24 00:00:56,387 --> 00:00:58,120 We had coffee a couple times, 25 00:00:58,222 --> 00:01:01,356 but then we went to a mall and she stole a dress. 26 00:01:01,458 --> 00:01:03,625 I mean, it wasn't even her size. 27 00:01:04,995 --> 00:01:06,228 Hey, Vanessa. Hey. 28 00:01:06,297 --> 00:01:08,938 Thanks for letting me borrow the food processor to make nut butter. 29 00:01:08,966 --> 00:01:11,833 I brought you some... from Whole Foods. 30 00:01:12,937 --> 00:01:15,103 Turns out I stink at making nut butter. 31 00:01:16,307 --> 00:01:18,273 Whole Foods. Mom, you should go there. 32 00:01:18,375 --> 00:01:22,311 That place is crawling with ladies your age looking for natural hot flash cures. 33 00:01:23,347 --> 00:01:27,449 I'm going to stay alive a long time just so I can see you get old. 34 00:01:28,485 --> 00:01:31,553 You know, if you're looking to meet new people, I've met some pretty cool ones 35 00:01:31,655 --> 00:01:33,496 through the lending library in my neighborhood. 36 00:01:33,524 --> 00:01:36,325 By definition, there are no cool people at libraries. 37 00:01:36,393 --> 00:01:38,226 Hey, I've spent a lot of time in libraries. 38 00:01:38,295 --> 00:01:40,095 Well, I stand corrected. 39 00:01:41,198 --> 00:01:43,065 No, it's not an actual library. 40 00:01:43,167 --> 00:01:44,866 It's a little wooden hutch on a post 41 00:01:44,935 --> 00:01:47,002 that you put in your front yard to attract readers. Mm. Yeah. 42 00:01:47,071 --> 00:01:49,605 It's like a bird feeder for nerds. 43 00:01:49,707 --> 00:01:50,906 A nerd feeder. 44 00:01:50,975 --> 00:01:54,509 I was worried about making new friends in my neighborhood 45 00:01:54,578 --> 00:01:57,412 until one day, this guy walked by, and he picked up a copy 46 00:01:57,481 --> 00:01:59,615 of Stephen Jay Gould's "Punctuated Equilibrium." 47 00:01:59,717 --> 00:02:02,284 And I was like, "Hell, yeah, dude." 48 00:02:03,654 --> 00:02:06,688 Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com 49 00:02:20,404 --> 00:02:21,603 You took all the coffee. 50 00:02:21,705 --> 00:02:23,625 Why don't you just drink it right out of the pot? 51 00:02:24,475 --> 00:02:26,475 That would look silly. 52 00:02:30,047 --> 00:02:31,346 Mmm. 53 00:02:31,448 --> 00:02:34,516 This is how the French drink coffee. 54 00:02:35,786 --> 00:02:37,219 Yeah. The French. 55 00:02:37,321 --> 00:02:39,888 They're the ones we should be banning. 56 00:02:39,990 --> 00:02:42,324 Hey, there are the guys I want to see. 57 00:02:42,426 --> 00:02:43,592 Hey. Hi. 58 00:02:43,694 --> 00:02:45,160 Hi, honey. Brought you lunch. There you go. 59 00:02:45,229 --> 00:02:46,128 Oh, my goodness. Hi, sweetie. 60 00:02:46,230 --> 00:02:47,262 How are you? Good. 61 00:02:47,364 --> 00:02:48,697 Bringing us lunch? Yeah. 62 00:02:48,799 --> 00:02:50,432 We're not kids. What do you got?! 63 00:02:50,534 --> 00:02:51,767 Oh, hey. 64 00:02:51,869 --> 00:02:53,669 Salad. Want to trade? 65 00:02:54,772 --> 00:02:56,638 Damn it! I got a salad, too. 66 00:02:56,740 --> 00:02:58,240 There's pudding, too... Ooh. 67 00:02:58,342 --> 00:03:00,442 ...but not until you have three bites of your salad first. 68 00:03:00,544 --> 00:03:01,610 Okay. 69 00:03:01,712 --> 00:03:03,779 Well, thank you very much for the lunch, Vanessa. 70 00:03:03,881 --> 00:03:06,815 Well, with Carol away, I just want to make sure you're eating well. 71 00:03:06,917 --> 00:03:08,016 He's doing great. 72 00:03:08,085 --> 00:03:11,153 I just saw him have, what, six doughnuts and, what, a bowl of coffee? 73 00:03:11,255 --> 00:03:12,554 No. 74 00:03:12,656 --> 00:03:14,156 How are you holding up, Chuck? 75 00:03:14,258 --> 00:03:15,590 Are you okay? You feeling all right? 76 00:03:15,693 --> 00:03:16,958 Is everything okay? 77 00:03:17,061 --> 00:03:18,827 How are you... I'm... I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm fine. 78 00:03:18,929 --> 00:03:19,850 Okay. Carol's not dead. 79 00:03:19,930 --> 00:03:21,163 I know. We're not getting a divorce. 80 00:03:21,265 --> 00:03:23,498 She just moved to L.A. for this job opportunity. 81 00:03:23,600 --> 00:03:24,599 That's all. 82 00:03:24,668 --> 00:03:25,867 He's doing more than fine. 83 00:03:25,969 --> 00:03:27,335 He's got the house to himself. 84 00:03:27,438 --> 00:03:31,339 He could eat lasagna on the couch in his underwear. 85 00:03:31,442 --> 00:03:33,075 Carol and I are used to being apart. 86 00:03:33,177 --> 00:03:34,376 I-I'm a Marine. 87 00:03:34,478 --> 00:03:36,511 I've had to go out of town over the years on business trips 88 00:03:36,613 --> 00:03:39,781 or, as you civilians call them, wars. 89 00:03:39,850 --> 00:03:42,417 You know, Chuck, it's okay to miss your wife. 90 00:03:42,519 --> 00:03:44,519 Leave him alone. Chuck doesn't have any feelings. 91 00:03:44,621 --> 00:03:46,021 That's why we get along. 92 00:03:46,123 --> 00:03:48,990 We would be even better friends if you would trade puddings with me. 93 00:03:49,093 --> 00:03:50,859 I didn't make America safe for butterscotch. 94 00:03:52,162 --> 00:03:53,762 Love you. Enjoy your lunch. 95 00:03:53,864 --> 00:03:55,163 See you. 96 00:03:55,265 --> 00:03:57,666 Why do they even make butterscotch? 97 00:03:57,735 --> 00:03:58,900 Let it go. 98 00:04:05,109 --> 00:04:08,110 Oh, great. Is it "wabbit" season again? 99 00:04:08,178 --> 00:04:09,711 No, i-it's supposed to be a trumpet. 100 00:04:09,747 --> 00:04:11,480 And... And the reason there's a trumpet 101 00:04:11,582 --> 00:04:14,616 is that this week marks your 500th vlog. 102 00:04:15,819 --> 00:04:19,521 And this is the party... two guys and a duck call? 103 00:04:19,623 --> 00:04:22,758 Well, I... Don't you want to know who the finalists are? 104 00:04:22,826 --> 00:04:24,059 Finalists for what? 105 00:04:24,128 --> 00:04:26,895 The "Meet Outdoor Man" essay contest... 106 00:04:29,066 --> 00:04:32,701 ...where the winner gets to sit in on your 500th vlog. 107 00:04:32,803 --> 00:04:34,603 I thought I killed this idea. 108 00:04:34,671 --> 00:04:35,737 No, no, no, no, no. 109 00:04:35,839 --> 00:04:37,519 Y-You said, "I'd... I'd rather not do it," 110 00:04:37,574 --> 00:04:40,008 I said, "I'd rather you did," and here we are! 111 00:04:40,110 --> 00:04:41,243 Kyle, go ahead. 112 00:04:41,311 --> 00:04:42,410 No, no, no, no, no. 113 00:04:42,479 --> 00:04:44,713 My vlogs are not some cheap promotional gimmick. 114 00:04:44,782 --> 00:04:47,315 They're well-written and enjoyed by millions of people. 115 00:04:47,417 --> 00:04:52,220 I don't know the exact number, but I know it's more than Obama had. 116 00:04:53,182 --> 00:04:54,862 As long as it sells the tents and jerkies. 117 00:04:54,892 --> 00:04:56,725 Kyle, you're on. Go ahead. 118 00:04:56,794 --> 00:04:58,660 Uh, "If more people listened to Mike Baxter, 119 00:04:58,762 --> 00:05:00,862 the whole world would be a lot better off." 120 00:05:00,964 --> 00:05:03,865 Hmm? I could meet him. 121 00:05:03,934 --> 00:05:05,066 Or... Go ahead. 122 00:05:05,102 --> 00:05:06,835 ..."Mike Baxter doesn't just sell fishing poles. 123 00:05:06,937 --> 00:05:08,804 He sells a way of life." 124 00:05:09,773 --> 00:05:11,907 Or him. 125 00:05:11,975 --> 00:05:13,041 All right. 126 00:05:13,143 --> 00:05:16,144 "Is Mike Baxter Outdoor Man or Superman?" 127 00:05:18,148 --> 00:05:22,117 Well, they... they all make great points. 128 00:05:23,587 --> 00:05:25,620 All right, you know? 129 00:05:25,722 --> 00:05:26,621 You win. 130 00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:27,656 You pick one, and I'll meet him. 131 00:05:27,724 --> 00:05:29,057 All right, you heard the man. 132 00:05:29,126 --> 00:05:30,258 Pick him. He'll meet him. 133 00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:31,493 Right, right, right. 134 00:05:31,595 --> 00:05:33,662 All right, Kyle, play me out. Oh. 135 00:05:41,772 --> 00:05:44,339 Hey. All fixed. 136 00:05:44,441 --> 00:05:46,007 You know, it does feel good working on a house. 137 00:05:46,109 --> 00:05:48,210 Now I know why Jimmy Carter does it. 138 00:05:48,245 --> 00:05:50,946 It's a habitat for the humanities. 139 00:05:52,149 --> 00:05:54,549 So, how's the book swap going? 140 00:05:54,618 --> 00:05:56,685 Well, I have been getting some traffic, 141 00:05:56,787 --> 00:05:59,154 but no one has taken any of my favorite books. 142 00:05:59,223 --> 00:06:01,356 I was hoping there would be at least one person in the neighborhood 143 00:06:01,458 --> 00:06:02,858 with the same interests as me. 144 00:06:02,960 --> 00:06:03,825 Wow. 145 00:06:03,927 --> 00:06:05,227 "Jane Eyre"? 146 00:06:05,329 --> 00:06:08,096 I did a book report on this in high school that was so good, 147 00:06:08,165 --> 00:06:09,698 Mandy got an "A" on it, too. 148 00:06:10,901 --> 00:06:12,534 That's the first one I put in there. 149 00:06:12,636 --> 00:06:13,902 It's my favorite book. 150 00:06:14,004 --> 00:06:17,405 I guess I shouldn't say that in front of "Wuthering Heights." 151 00:06:17,507 --> 00:06:20,508 Yeah, you also shouldn't say that in front of other people. 152 00:06:21,845 --> 00:06:26,214 Oh, hey, Mom, it looks like somebody already borrowed this one. 153 00:06:26,316 --> 00:06:27,816 There's... There's a note inside. 154 00:06:29,753 --> 00:06:33,321 "I, too, love the sisters Bronte. 155 00:06:33,423 --> 00:06:36,491 It's nice to find a kindred spirit in the neighborhood." 156 00:06:36,593 --> 00:06:37,559 Hmm. 157 00:06:37,661 --> 00:06:40,095 "What tale do you best like to hear?" 158 00:06:40,197 --> 00:06:42,063 That's a quote from "Jane Eyre." 159 00:06:42,165 --> 00:06:43,064 This is so cute. 160 00:06:43,166 --> 00:06:45,200 Y-You have to leave a note for her. 161 00:06:45,302 --> 00:06:47,002 No, I can't. I can't. I... Why not? 162 00:06:47,104 --> 00:06:50,372 Mom, Mom, somewhere out there, you have a friend. 163 00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:51,973 No, I can't. I can't. 164 00:06:52,075 --> 00:06:53,475 I-I-I need new stationery 165 00:06:53,577 --> 00:06:56,478 and... and a fountain pen and, uh, lavender spray. 166 00:06:56,580 --> 00:06:58,246 Uh, no. Uh, no. Tangerine. 167 00:06:58,348 --> 00:07:00,148 No, first thought... lavender. 168 00:07:00,250 --> 00:07:02,350 Oh, God. Trust yourself, Vanessa! 169 00:07:08,373 --> 00:07:09,739 Wow. 170 00:07:09,808 --> 00:07:14,477 Whoever left these notes really loves the Bronte sisters. 171 00:07:14,546 --> 00:07:16,646 It's so sad to think they're all dead now. 172 00:07:16,748 --> 00:07:19,782 Wasn't Zsa Zsa the last to go? 173 00:07:20,785 --> 00:07:23,186 Yeah, I'm just so excited that there's someone out there 174 00:07:23,254 --> 00:07:25,822 that I can talk 19th-century British literature with. 175 00:07:25,924 --> 00:07:27,123 Ugh. 176 00:07:27,192 --> 00:07:29,353 It's like finding a needle in a really boring haystack. 177 00:07:30,627 --> 00:07:32,267 Why haven't you gotten together with her? 178 00:07:32,297 --> 00:07:34,057 I'm working on it. I-I don't want to rush it. 179 00:07:34,065 --> 00:07:35,998 You know, in the 19th century, people would correspond 180 00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,767 for years before they would ever meet. 181 00:07:37,869 --> 00:07:39,735 And then when the time came, they were dead. 182 00:07:41,105 --> 00:07:46,108 Every few days, I'll send a new note revealing a little bit more about myself, 183 00:07:46,177 --> 00:07:49,512 slowly inching us down the road toward friendship. 184 00:07:49,581 --> 00:07:51,547 Or I could smoke her out by Wednesday. 185 00:07:51,649 --> 00:07:53,783 You know, Eve's plan doesn't sound so bad, Mom. 186 00:07:53,818 --> 00:07:55,551 You've got to be wondering who she is. 187 00:07:55,653 --> 00:07:56,953 Oh, I know who she is. 188 00:07:57,055 --> 00:08:00,456 No, she's a professional woman, elegant but friendly, 189 00:08:00,558 --> 00:08:05,161 fashionable but not trying too hard, in her 50s, looks 40s, 190 00:08:05,263 --> 00:08:09,966 but... a guy at the post office once said 38. 191 00:08:11,302 --> 00:08:12,235 Yeah. 192 00:08:12,303 --> 00:08:14,437 When she was 38. 193 00:08:15,473 --> 00:08:18,474 Mom, Mom, just... just let me handle this, okay? 194 00:08:18,576 --> 00:08:26,015 I've got nets, night-vision goggles... and if she's a runner... a dart gun. 195 00:08:27,018 --> 00:08:27,950 My plan will work. 196 00:08:28,052 --> 00:08:29,719 A good friendship just takes time. 197 00:08:29,787 --> 00:08:32,188 It also usually involves knowing the person's name. 198 00:08:32,290 --> 00:08:36,559 You think people just run around telling each other their names? 199 00:08:36,661 --> 00:08:38,394 Well, I have seen it done. 200 00:08:39,430 --> 00:08:40,730 I know what I'm doing. 201 00:08:40,832 --> 00:08:42,431 I know how to make friends. 202 00:08:42,500 --> 00:08:45,501 Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to send a series of notes 203 00:08:45,603 --> 00:08:47,603 written in 19th-century script. 204 00:08:49,674 --> 00:08:52,341 I knew that thing was gonna attract weirdos. 205 00:08:52,443 --> 00:08:57,480 I just didn't think it was gonna come from our own house. 206 00:08:58,917 --> 00:09:00,283 Yeah? 207 00:09:00,385 --> 00:09:03,019 Hey, the, uh, contest winner's here, Mr. B. 208 00:09:03,121 --> 00:09:04,854 His name's Wayne Sizemore. 209 00:09:04,956 --> 00:09:06,122 Okay, cool. 210 00:09:07,125 --> 00:09:08,758 Hey, Wayne. Mike Baxter. 211 00:09:08,826 --> 00:09:09,959 Nice to meet you. 212 00:09:10,028 --> 00:09:11,294 You, too. 213 00:09:11,362 --> 00:09:14,063 Your hands are as soft as a liberal's foreign policy. 214 00:09:15,566 --> 00:09:18,000 Well, except these hands actually... 215 00:09:18,102 --> 00:09:20,002 Actually work. 216 00:09:21,539 --> 00:09:23,773 You used that line in Vlog 304, 217 00:09:23,875 --> 00:09:27,109 when you had a sale on Dr. Brown's Camping Soap. 218 00:09:27,178 --> 00:09:28,911 Well, I'm flattered. You really know your vlogs. 219 00:09:28,980 --> 00:09:30,313 No, I know your vlogs. 220 00:09:31,516 --> 00:09:33,316 I've memorized damn near all 500 of them. 221 00:09:34,519 --> 00:09:37,219 Oh, is... Let's not touch that. 222 00:09:40,625 --> 00:09:42,658 Hey, I recognize this chair. 223 00:09:42,727 --> 00:09:44,894 This is where the magic happens. 224 00:09:44,996 --> 00:09:48,798 Well, it's mostly just common sense spoken in a magical way. 225 00:09:50,468 --> 00:09:51,567 Take a seat. 226 00:09:51,636 --> 00:09:53,569 If you have a phone, I'll snap a picture of you. 227 00:09:53,638 --> 00:09:56,906 Well, you know darn well I don't have a phone, Mike Baxter. 228 00:09:57,008 --> 00:09:59,241 I got rid of that after V-116. 229 00:09:59,277 --> 00:10:02,979 In Vlog 116, I said something about phones? 230 00:10:03,047 --> 00:10:08,651 You told us the government was using our smartphones to track our every move. 231 00:10:08,720 --> 00:10:13,389 You said Big Brother was becoming our weird uncle. 232 00:10:13,491 --> 00:10:15,992 I was just trying to be funny. 233 00:10:16,094 --> 00:10:17,193 No, sir. 234 00:10:17,261 --> 00:10:19,929 That's another thing I love about your vlogs. 235 00:10:19,998 --> 00:10:21,364 They're not funny. 236 00:10:24,035 --> 00:10:26,635 They're a little funny. 237 00:10:26,704 --> 00:10:30,072 If I want comedy, I'll watch CNN. 238 00:10:30,174 --> 00:10:34,543 You said that in V-484, because the media is a joke, 239 00:10:34,612 --> 00:10:39,782 controlled by Castro, who is still very much alive. 240 00:10:40,785 --> 00:10:42,785 Wayne, I'm sure I never said that. 241 00:10:42,854 --> 00:10:45,755 There's the stuff you say and the stuff you kind of say 242 00:10:45,857 --> 00:10:52,228 and the stuff you never say at all, but... I hear it anyway. 243 00:10:53,264 --> 00:10:56,365 Oh, you're getting my secret messages. 244 00:10:56,467 --> 00:10:59,535 Bingo was his name-o. 245 00:10:59,604 --> 00:11:02,972 Well, what else did I say that I didn't say? 246 00:11:03,041 --> 00:11:08,444 The only way to get the form of government you want is to take action. 247 00:11:08,546 --> 00:11:10,012 That sounds reasonable. 248 00:11:10,114 --> 00:11:14,984 Which is why my group of patriots and I are seceding from the United States. 249 00:11:15,086 --> 00:11:17,486 That does not. 250 00:11:19,624 --> 00:11:22,124 We've got 500 acres of farmland 251 00:11:22,226 --> 00:11:27,396 that will soon be called the Free State of Northern Colorado. 252 00:11:27,465 --> 00:11:29,465 Yeah. 253 00:11:32,003 --> 00:11:34,236 Listen, totally random thought here. 254 00:11:34,338 --> 00:11:38,608 Did they do any kind of background check for the contest winners? 255 00:11:41,179 --> 00:11:43,212 Hey. What's up? Hey, sweetie. 256 00:11:43,314 --> 00:11:44,814 I'm just gonna check the lending library, 257 00:11:44,882 --> 00:11:47,016 see if there's a new letter from my book buddy. Oh, okay. 258 00:11:47,118 --> 00:11:49,399 Well, just keep your hands off Anne Bronte's "Agnes Grey." 259 00:11:49,554 --> 00:11:51,754 Why? 260 00:11:51,856 --> 00:11:55,724 "A," it's terrible, and "B," I booby-trapped it. 261 00:11:56,726 --> 00:11:58,166 Hey, look, look, look, it's nothing. 262 00:11:58,196 --> 00:12:01,564 It's just a small charge that will create a small explosion 263 00:12:01,666 --> 00:12:04,900 and cover a person in a small amount of blue dye. 264 00:12:05,970 --> 00:12:08,471 Go out there right now and diffuse that bomb. 265 00:12:08,573 --> 00:12:11,273 I can't believe I'm using that sentence with my daughter. 266 00:12:13,377 --> 00:12:15,010 Ohh. Oh, that was big. 267 00:12:15,079 --> 00:12:17,513 I should have done a practice one. 268 00:12:26,858 --> 00:12:32,027 I did two tours in Iraq without getting hit by an IED, and now this. 269 00:12:33,564 --> 00:12:35,531 Not cool. 270 00:12:41,302 --> 00:12:42,902 I'm really sorry, Chuck. 271 00:12:43,004 --> 00:12:47,073 Eve was just so curious about who was leaving me all those notes. 272 00:12:47,175 --> 00:12:51,310 So she put a bomb in a tiny neighborhood library. 273 00:12:52,814 --> 00:12:55,815 Makes perfect sense. 274 00:12:55,883 --> 00:12:57,750 Great kid. 275 00:13:00,121 --> 00:13:01,921 It really was you all this time? 276 00:13:02,023 --> 00:13:03,989 I mean, why didn't you just tell me? 277 00:13:04,092 --> 00:13:09,328 My taste for English romance novels is something I prefer to keep secret. 278 00:13:11,470 --> 00:13:13,271 I stopped talking about it when I was a Marine 279 00:13:13,301 --> 00:13:14,622 and a copy of "Wuthering Heights" 280 00:13:14,635 --> 00:13:16,135 fell out of my bunk. 281 00:13:17,205 --> 00:13:18,637 They give you a hard time? 282 00:13:18,740 --> 00:13:21,674 The Marines? 283 00:13:21,743 --> 00:13:23,776 No, no. 284 00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:26,212 They just shouted, "Reader," 285 00:13:26,280 --> 00:13:29,115 and beat me senseless with a pillowcase full of books. 286 00:13:30,618 --> 00:13:33,452 How'd you ever get into Victorian literature? 287 00:13:33,521 --> 00:13:35,287 They made us read it in high school, 288 00:13:35,390 --> 00:13:39,158 around the time I was, uh, getting dumped. 289 00:13:39,227 --> 00:13:44,096 And the Brontes showed me I could be a lonely, mysterious Healthcliff 290 00:13:44,165 --> 00:13:48,234 instead of a "home alone Friday night" Chuck. 291 00:13:49,237 --> 00:13:51,137 I spent a lot of Friday nights alone, too. 292 00:13:51,239 --> 00:13:52,271 Ah. 293 00:13:52,306 --> 00:13:53,973 That's a lie. 294 00:13:54,041 --> 00:13:58,110 I was very popular. 295 00:13:59,547 --> 00:14:02,348 Well, you know, I-I could forgive Eve for the shirt 296 00:14:02,417 --> 00:14:04,150 if I... if I could have one of those scones. 297 00:14:04,252 --> 00:14:05,484 Are they, uh, currant? 298 00:14:05,586 --> 00:14:07,887 Yeah, I just made them today. 299 00:14:09,157 --> 00:14:11,490 I see what you did there. That was good. 300 00:14:12,360 --> 00:14:13,993 Hey, Wayne, don't touch anything. 301 00:14:14,061 --> 00:14:16,162 You know that's... that's how they get you. 302 00:14:17,165 --> 00:14:20,800 Guys, I'm sorry, but that man is crazy. 303 00:14:20,902 --> 00:14:22,168 He's crazy about you, Mikey. 304 00:14:22,270 --> 00:14:25,337 Believe me I get it. 305 00:14:25,406 --> 00:14:30,443 No, I mean "basement full of doll parts" crazy. 306 00:14:30,511 --> 00:14:33,245 That's what you get for pushing so hard for this contest. 307 00:14:34,515 --> 00:14:35,414 I don't understand. 308 00:14:35,483 --> 00:14:36,816 He had such a nice smile. 309 00:14:36,884 --> 00:14:38,150 He does have a nice smile, Mikey... 310 00:14:38,219 --> 00:14:40,619 all teeth, no gums, very photogenic. 311 00:14:40,721 --> 00:14:44,490 Well, a lot of crazy people have nice smiles and those big eyes, 312 00:14:44,559 --> 00:14:47,092 with the spinning disks, which is the last thing you see. 313 00:14:47,161 --> 00:14:48,928 Okay, you got to get back in there, Mikey. Come on. 314 00:14:48,996 --> 00:14:51,230 Kyle, let him use your duck whistle in case everything goes south. 315 00:14:51,332 --> 00:14:52,331 Nah, nah. 316 00:14:54,702 --> 00:14:55,935 Hey, Wayne. Hey. 317 00:14:56,037 --> 00:14:58,003 Oh, you have a beautiful family, Mike. What? 318 00:14:58,072 --> 00:15:00,372 Oh, that's not my family. That picture came in the frame. 319 00:15:00,475 --> 00:15:01,507 Yeah. 320 00:15:01,576 --> 00:15:03,275 My family's scattered all over the world. 321 00:15:03,344 --> 00:15:05,311 I don't even know where they are. 322 00:15:05,379 --> 00:15:07,980 Well, do you want me to hunt them down for you? 323 00:15:08,983 --> 00:15:12,084 That's a very kind offer, but no, I don't want you to hunt them down for me. 324 00:15:13,287 --> 00:15:15,588 So, when are we gonna do this vlog? 325 00:15:15,656 --> 00:15:18,357 The Free State could use some new recruits. 326 00:15:18,426 --> 00:15:20,726 Listen, listen, listen, listen, Wayne, about the vlog... 327 00:15:20,862 --> 00:15:22,661 I know I complain about the government a lot. 328 00:15:22,763 --> 00:15:23,662 I really do. 329 00:15:23,731 --> 00:15:25,464 But, you know, I pay my taxes. 330 00:15:25,566 --> 00:15:27,166 Uh-huh. 331 00:15:27,235 --> 00:15:28,567 Yeah. 332 00:15:28,669 --> 00:15:32,104 I-I mean, I'm a conservative guy, and... and I... I love the government. 333 00:15:32,139 --> 00:15:33,672 I support the system here. 334 00:15:33,741 --> 00:15:37,142 I am with you 100%, Mike. 335 00:15:37,245 --> 00:15:39,144 Right. Uh-huh. 336 00:15:39,213 --> 00:15:41,814 Oh, I support the system, too, pay my taxes. 337 00:15:41,883 --> 00:15:44,149 No, Wayne, we're not bugged. 338 00:15:44,252 --> 00:15:47,887 And listen, I don't think I am who you think I am. 339 00:15:47,955 --> 00:15:51,190 My vlogs do not contain any secret messages. 340 00:15:51,292 --> 00:15:53,192 And you know what else? 341 00:15:53,294 --> 00:15:54,693 They are funny. 342 00:15:54,795 --> 00:15:56,061 Eh. 343 00:15:56,163 --> 00:15:57,463 Eh. 344 00:15:57,565 --> 00:15:58,464 Listen... 345 00:15:58,533 --> 00:15:59,632 I don't think we should do the vlog. 346 00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:01,367 You know what else? I got a better idea. 347 00:16:01,469 --> 00:16:02,835 I say we go down to the store. 348 00:16:02,904 --> 00:16:06,405 You can pick out whatever you want except a gun. 349 00:16:07,975 --> 00:16:12,778 Now, Mike, you wouldn't be trying to cheat me out of 350 00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:15,381 my duly won prize, now, would you? 351 00:16:15,449 --> 00:16:19,785 You know, a few years back, a... a guy named Jim Dunsmore tried that. 352 00:16:19,854 --> 00:16:20,886 Ever hear of him? 353 00:16:20,955 --> 00:16:22,821 No, Wayne, of course not. 354 00:16:22,890 --> 00:16:25,291 And never will. 355 00:16:27,528 --> 00:16:30,229 Nobody can prove nothing. 356 00:16:36,604 --> 00:16:37,636 All right. 357 00:16:37,705 --> 00:16:39,438 Congratulations, Wayne. 358 00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,073 You passed the test. 359 00:16:41,142 --> 00:16:42,374 Wh-What test? 360 00:16:42,476 --> 00:16:44,043 Put 'er there. 361 00:16:45,546 --> 00:16:48,547 I had to know that you're the real deal. 362 00:16:48,649 --> 00:16:50,683 Yeah. 363 00:16:50,785 --> 00:16:53,819 Yeah, yeah, we're gonna... we're gonna do that vlog. 364 00:16:53,888 --> 00:16:56,155 It'll seem like a normal one, right, 365 00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,091 except for you, me, and the others... we'll know. 366 00:16:59,193 --> 00:17:01,160 I knew there were others! 367 00:17:02,363 --> 00:17:05,297 We'll all know. 368 00:17:05,399 --> 00:17:07,900 It's about supporting the national parks, 369 00:17:08,002 --> 00:17:10,970 but, uh, you probably know what that... that really means. 370 00:17:11,038 --> 00:17:14,807 Mind-control chemicals in the drinking water? 371 00:17:16,310 --> 00:17:18,377 Bingo was his name-o. 372 00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,485 Here's one of my favorite Bronte quotes, okay? 373 00:17:26,587 --> 00:17:30,389 "Life is so constructed that the event does not, 374 00:17:30,458 --> 00:17:33,959 cannot, will not match the expectation." 375 00:17:35,129 --> 00:17:38,197 I freakin' love that one. 376 00:17:38,299 --> 00:17:39,698 Yeah, you do! 377 00:17:39,800 --> 00:17:41,033 Yeah. Yeah. 378 00:17:41,135 --> 00:17:43,402 All right, all right, here's my favorite. 379 00:17:43,471 --> 00:17:49,208 "I wish I were a girl again, half-savage and hardy and free." 380 00:17:50,645 --> 00:17:52,044 Yeah, I don't quote that one. 381 00:17:53,648 --> 00:17:54,647 Yeah. 382 00:17:54,749 --> 00:17:56,582 I think these books can be a great outlet, 383 00:17:56,651 --> 00:17:58,651 especially when you're going through a rough patch, you know, 384 00:17:58,786 --> 00:18:01,286 kind of like the one you're going through right now with Carol. 385 00:18:01,355 --> 00:18:03,022 This isn't a rough patch. 386 00:18:03,090 --> 00:18:04,657 She's only gone a year. 387 00:18:04,725 --> 00:18:06,525 Don't be closed like Mr. Rochester. 388 00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:07,860 Be open like Jane. 389 00:18:07,928 --> 00:18:09,395 Wh... You're angry. 390 00:18:09,463 --> 00:18:10,963 I'm really not. 391 00:18:11,032 --> 00:18:13,098 Yes, you are. You're ...You're furious. 392 00:18:13,200 --> 00:18:15,300 You've never been this mad in your life. 393 00:18:15,369 --> 00:18:17,636 I'm starting to get a little irritated at you right now. 394 00:18:17,738 --> 00:18:20,572 Chuck, wait. Come on. Come on. Hey, Chuck. 395 00:18:20,641 --> 00:18:23,876 Hey, y-you just can't say it, can you... 396 00:18:23,978 --> 00:18:27,513 because you think that'll make you look like a horrible person? 397 00:18:27,615 --> 00:18:31,617 Vanessa, is it possible that you're a little mad at Carol for going away? 398 00:18:31,719 --> 00:18:33,952 No. No, no, no, no. 399 00:18:34,055 --> 00:18:35,754 Yes. Yes! 400 00:18:38,726 --> 00:18:40,592 Does that make me a horrible person? 401 00:18:40,695 --> 00:18:42,928 No. She's your friend. 402 00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:45,798 Yeah, and I should be happy for her. 403 00:18:45,900 --> 00:18:47,232 It's okay. 404 00:18:47,334 --> 00:18:50,903 You're not really mad at her. 405 00:18:51,005 --> 00:18:53,939 You just... miss her. 406 00:18:55,743 --> 00:18:58,677 I miss her, too. 407 00:19:03,384 --> 00:19:07,419 Listen, if you want to get together every now and then 408 00:19:07,521 --> 00:19:14,426 and talk Brontes, we can... for a small amount of that time... 409 00:19:14,528 --> 00:19:17,596 talk about your feelings. 410 00:19:18,632 --> 00:19:20,699 Thank you. 411 00:19:20,801 --> 00:19:22,134 Yeah. Thanks. Thanks. 412 00:19:22,203 --> 00:19:27,740 You know, Chuck... you were supposed to be a lovely career woman like me. 413 00:19:28,943 --> 00:19:31,510 "Life is so constructed that the event does not, 414 00:19:31,612 --> 00:19:36,815 will not, cannot match the expectation." 415 00:19:39,453 --> 00:19:42,321 Freakin' love that one. 416 00:19:47,803 --> 00:19:49,469 Hey. Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man 417 00:19:49,571 --> 00:19:52,973 with the winner of the 500th vlog contest, Wayne... 418 00:19:53,075 --> 00:19:54,674 Don't use my name. 419 00:19:57,579 --> 00:20:00,146 ...here with a few words about our national parks. 420 00:20:00,248 --> 00:20:06,119 So listen carefully... especially to the words he's not saying. 421 00:20:10,592 --> 00:20:12,859 Our national parks are national treasures. 422 00:20:12,961 --> 00:20:16,329 They're home to majestic mountains, breathtaking waterfalls... 423 00:20:16,431 --> 00:20:20,300 Filled with fluoride pumped in by the government. 424 00:20:23,605 --> 00:20:26,006 Have you ever seen a beaver's teeth? 425 00:20:26,108 --> 00:20:29,142 Beautiful, clean, no cavities, great smile. 426 00:20:29,244 --> 00:20:32,679 And contrary to popular belief, hunting is allowed 427 00:20:32,781 --> 00:20:36,416 in many national parks for population control. 428 00:20:36,518 --> 00:20:39,119 Speaking of population control, 429 00:20:39,221 --> 00:20:44,090 why does the government put "sriracha sauce" on everything? 430 00:20:49,564 --> 00:20:55,635 So, in quick closing... visit your parks, and that's our 500th 431 00:20:55,737 --> 00:20:59,706 and quite possibly our final vlog.